COVID and Self Care

update: I started this post earlier in the week feeling anxious, but like I was managing things well. We then got dealt an unannounced blow that caused panic attacks and sudden onset depression for me as well as anxiety and anger for many of my colleagues too. I share this to say that my tone may seem to change halfway through the post. If it does, this is why. 

Miriam's bitmoji with long wavy hair and glasses sits solemnly next to a blue heart that is sad.

Okay, I'm going to get a little vulnerable here. Today (Tuesday) during a zoom meeting, I had a panic attack. It was small, but it happened. I turned off my video so I could calm myself, and keep the tears to myself. But, it was managed. I don't know if I hadn't prepared for this ahead of time if I could have managed it, but I did. So, today I want to share some realities about having chronic conditions during COVID. If anyone would like to reach out for discussion, send me a DM on Twitter or Insta. In fact, you can see a lot of my set up for anxiety on Insta and I will be sharing more over the next few days/weeks.

The reality.

There are lots of issues and conditions someone may be dealing with in addition to COVID. For me, it includes asthma, a foot condition, food and environmental allergies, and depression and anxiety. I carry a back pack with emergency supplies, which can include braces, socks, ice packs, etc. I keep extra ice packs and socks at school. I carry emergency medications. This is my reality. I cannot afford to NOT plan. Right now, the item causing the biggest anxiety roadblocks for me daily is the fact that I have asthma and I am reporting to a physical building where I have in person meetings during a global pandemic. 

My tips and tricks

This is not exhaustive and, as above, you can see examples of and updates on the things I have in my bag, classroom, and at home on my instagram. For now, here's a quick list of five things I have and what they do for me. 

• A sensory bottle - This bottle was made from a kid's "science" kit I got from Five Below. I created a design with water beads and filled the bottle with the beads and with water. It makes a soft swooshing sound when I tilt it upside down and I've decorated it with some 3D stickers that provides a touch element. When I am feeling very anxious or having an attack, the combination of the beads, the sound, and the touch can help ground me and focus my energy on the bottle. 
• A rock garden - This also came from Five Below. It is a sand/rock garden. I have placed it behind my desk so that to use it, I have to get up and turn away from my computer. At first it served as a reminder to breathe and keep calm, but after the unexpected news later Tuesday, I actively used it. I removed all the rocks and small statues and smoothed out the sand. I raked it into a circular pattern and slowly replaced each item in a new space. Since it was an active thing and required a little (not much) brain power, I was able, just for a moment, to focus on that and nothing else. 
• My hands - This is a weird one and it is something I learned many years ago on Pinterest. I cry easily. I cry when I'm overwhelmed, anxious, angry, whatever.... Here's the trick. Focus on your hand, specifically. Really look at it. The phrase, "like the back of my hand" implies that we know our hands really well, but the truth is our hands are (a) always changing and (b) so much a part of our daily lives that our eyes don't really pay attention to them. So, I force it. I always start with a small scar on my hand and then move outward. My brain cannot cry and focus on my hands (usually), so it allows me to stop the physical reaction to my anxiety. 
• A kitty cat pen - Okay, another weird one. I received this pen either as a gift or in a stationery box I receive and it is a novelty pen, for sure. It is a soft rubbery gel pen with a paw at the top. The paw is 3D/textured, so you can feel the toe beans and pads. I've been using it at school regularly and noticed that (a) the flexibility of the pen allows me something to fidget with and (b) the textured paw helps me stop physical signs of anxiety. See, my hands itch. In fact, as I type this, my hands are itching. It has happened since I was very little and, at one point, doctors prescribed a lotion to keep me from scratching. It worked, for a brief moment... When my anxiety gets worse and worse, the itching gets worse and worse. I scratch and dig my nails into my skin to stop it. While the pen doesn't stop it 100%, it keeps me from causing injury to my hands. It lets me satisfy the itch in a way that won't cause actual harm. It is fast becoming one of my favourite tools to have. 
• Calm Strips - This is another new/weird one. I recently saw on an instagram ad something called Calm Strips. They were fairly inexpensive and, worst case scenario, I hated them. So I bought some. They came in a pack of 20 with various patterns and colours. What are they? 2 1/2" (or so) strips of sticky textured paper. They are made to be touched, picked up, put back down, etc. They are advertised to help ground and calm anxiety. Turns out, I LOVE them. I put one on my phone to see how I liked it. They are textured enough to catch my attention, but not so textured enough that I am disrupted from professional or other activities. They are easily removable and don't leave residue. After about 2 weeks with one on my phone, I added one to my home computer table. I can reach it while I'm typing and it is easy to see. When we went back to school, I added one to my school desk and one to my laptop. While they do little for me during a panic attack, they are daily reminders to stay calm and carry on. :)

Now that I've typed this, I am wondering if a post on grounding techniques would be helpful as a follow up. I will ponder it.