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Things I'd never thought I'd have to deal with

9/8/2020

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Picture
Miriam's bitmoji in a pale blue shirt with a somewhat shocked look and text that reads: read first
I have to admit this is going to be a tough post to write. I will put these disclaimers out: all names have been changed, relationships have been changed, and no locations are given to protect anyone who has shared with me. But, these are all real things. 
There are posts all over that say that this time is hard for teachers. Sometimes the response is that we are being insensitive to first responders who have been on the front lines since March. Sometimes the response is that we are first responders. And, sometimes, the response is that we are complaining for no reason because, well, "COVID isn't real". Today's post is to assure you that it is, indeed, real. This is not an easy post to write and it won't be an easy post to read. But these things need to be said because we are exhausted in a way we never have been. We are struggling in a way that only teachers can struggle. 
I've decided to keep this list to 5. There are more than 5. There will be a follow up post.
  1. For those of us diagnosed with anxiety, it is worse and crippling. Anyone with an anxiety condition (everyone feels anxious; this is not what I'm talking about) knows that when situations call for anxiety for everyone things get worse. In addition to the anxiety everyone is feeling right now in our field, we are dealing with compounded features of it. I am not the only teacher who has to deal with this, but I can only speak to how it exposes itself in my situation. Normally when my anxiety creeps up, any number of physical symptoms may show. The worse the anxiety, the more symptoms come up. Before a presentation, for example, I get physically ill sometimes, I get itchy, sweaty, and shaky. But this is a whole new world for us. There are some days when I am physically ill, my whole body itches, I shake, my stutter comes back, my brain doesn't stop. Sometimes I cry. By the time I get home, I am physically exhausted just from the nature of working as a teacher, but because my anxiety is fully blown right now, I am thoroughly exhausted. There is no "me time" on days like this. There is "survive" and "collapse" time. 
  2. Our brains don't stop. Generally speaking teachers make around 1500 decisions during a 6 hour work day. I've also seen the statistic that teachers make around 400 decisions an hour. These don't match up, but the second statistic didn't specify during what period of time. Our job is unique in that in addition to having to be academic experts in our field we also work with a variety of contexts that other jobs don't: working with adults, working with children, working with other experts, research, cleaning spaces, etc. And, for those of us with more than one prep, we have to change our brain every hour. In our district, teacher are supposed to get one planning period (around 50 minutes) and a lunch (around 20  minutes). That time can also be filled with meetings, supervisory duty, tutoring, etc. During COVID, I know that myself and other teachers are literally working from the moment we get to school (some of us before that) to the moment we get home (some of us after that). One of these days I'll post a day in the life, but for now here's the gist: I get up at 4:00, do some household and animal care things, do some school work prep (about 20 minutes this morning), get ready, head to work, work all day, come home, care for animals, collapse if needed, and then work more if needed (can be between 0-1 or 2 hours). During COVID I usually have meetings during my planning either with my colleagues or to ensure I get all the professional development mandated by the county done. During my lunch, I scarf down my lunch while doing things like grading, planning, or answering emails. Our brains literally don't and cannot stop at work. This is generally true, but now it is true in a whole new way. I ate lunch, without working, for the first time this year last Friday (that was the end of week 5 for me, and week 3 for the kids). Starting Wednesday, kids are allowed to eat in our rooms. I'm not quite sure when I will eat. 
  3. The element of unknown things. Arguably this is always true. I don't know where someone has been or if they are sick. But, during this time, there are supposed to be extra precautions. Again, I am not speaking about any specific school or district, but teachers have been told things are happening, but with often little follow up. We are put into the hands of administrators, boards, and parents, and we are told things are happening. But, as is the norm, kids come to school sick, students want to socialise, clubs and sports are continuing on. Some things I know from reputable sources: even though students are not being allowed to hang around on campus after school in some places, they are, without masks, without social distancing. Even though sports are supposed to be practised safely, sometimes they aren't, with no masks. Some teachers are allowing students to take masks off in some places. Some teachers aren't wearing masks or wearing them correctly. Cleaning is often done after teachers leave campus. Some teachers are getting PPE supplies, some aren't. This element, whether the fear is justified or not, by its very nature, is scary. 
  4. This is literal uncharted territory. This is a post of its own... but to give you an idea, we are dealing with questions like:
    1. How do we keep the students socially distanced, masked, and safe when some of the parents and some of our own colleagues do not believe this is real or who are not practising safety?
    2. When there is an emergency (or a drill), how do we keep everyone safe.... and.... safe? 
    3. How do I teach online and in person at the same time fully engaging all students providing proper supports to each student and appropriate materials be it digitally or in paper. And, how do I do all that while solving technical issues for students, keeping in person students safe, and meeting expected standards and curriculum goals?
  5. How do I take care of my kids and myself? This may be one of the hardest ones emotionally at least. There are days where I'm working from the moment I walk in around 6:15 to the moment I go to bed around 8 or 8:30. I try to set boundaries, but sometimes a student messages you in a panic. You answer. I don't know a teacher who wouldn't. When I wake up at 4 or 4:15 I always check work email while drinking my coffee.... why? Because (1) I get overwhelmed if I walk into school and find 10 emails that need answers NOW when I also have to do 10 things before students arrive, and (2) emails often sent at night are the ones that need an answer quickly. If I can answer one before a student gets to my class and save time because they have what the need, it's worth it to me. But, boundaries have to be set. How do we set them in a way that takes care of everything that needs to be taken care of, including ourselves? Before COVID, I think we could easily justify work hours. It's harder now. 
We are navigating uncharted waters and as soon as we think we've figured out one wave, we see the one behind it. There are always aspects of teaching like this, but right now, everything​ is like this. 
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Last Night Took an L...

8/26/2020

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It's been a bit since I posted, and for a few good reasons. I do not necessarily want this blog to be all upsets. They are there and I want to talk about them, but I never want a single post to be so depressing and anxiety ridden that it serves little purpose other than to make me feel better, I have other means of doing that. Some, however, may just have to be that way.... To say it's been rough is an understatement. To say that that's an oversimplification cannot be overstated (did any of that make sense). So... let me break it down a little.... 

The Pertinent Facts

  • I have been teaching students for over two weeks now. As of very recently, I am now teaching in person and digitally.
  • I have been out the last four days due to illness. I have gone through the process of COVID testing (negative BTW) and been diagnosed with a bronchospasm, that I am still recovering from. 
  • I have already cried twice today. 
  • This has been a very creative time for me. I am loving some of the work I'm doing. 
  • This has required me to think outside the box and research new things. 
  • I have felt a range of emotions for lots of different people, mostly groups. I won't go into too many details but right now, today, I am working through severe anxiety, some anger, some fear, stress, some delayed excitement, worry, and fatigue. 
  • I have new baby plants on the way. (ya, not related, but still so cool).

So... what exactly happened?

Firstly, I am okay. I have a bronchospasm likely caused by my asthma, caused by.... well potentially lots of things. At first I was afraid it was COVID, but a negative test solved that. To be honest, I was impressed with my doctor/insurance's handling of it. I got a recommendation for a test in less than 20 minutes after calling them. Got the test the next day, and got my results that night. However, since I had symptoms, I wasn't cleared for school. I couldn't get a doctor's appointment for a few days, but it was via telephone and I was so impressed with this doctor's handling of me.... She diagnosed me, gave me care procedures and wrote a note saying when I could return to work. I returned this morning. I felt ready in that I miss teaching. I didn't feel ready based on my to do list of things that had racked up while I was gone and I didn't feel ready knowing that, if I wasn't at higher risk before, I am now.

I won't comment on the school's handling of it, that's not why I'm writing this blog. What I will share is my perspective of my experience at home. 

The Experience

I don't want this to drag on, but I will say that this post (along with some things I've seen on social media) are prompting another post I plan to write this week: How to Support Your Teachers During a Pandemic. So... here are the things I experienced, as briefly as possible. 
  1. Extreme anxiety - As emails rolled in and the "must do before students return in person" list grew exponentially over those days at home, my anxiety hit a lot of highs. I would have to sign off my computer during the day and take a mandatory break just because I was being asked to do things I physically could not do. 
  2. Worry - I am... how do I put this... what some might call a teacher's pet, a goodie-two-shoes, a... whatever. I have an immense fear of getting in trouble or being a burden on anyone. I spent my time worried at home about whether I was leaving my team mates without an oar, leaving my students behind, and if I'd get in trouble for not having this massive to do list done when I returned to work immediately. 
  3. Fatigue - I am still experiencing this. I was already exhausted from the various things I was doing: teaching virtually, setting things up for in person return, creating things that met my students' needs virtually, emailing and contacting parents and students daily outside of class, etc. Now I was trying to do all that working from home (without "working" from home) while being sick in a way that was (and is) very scary. 
  4. Heartbreak - As the stories and photos come out of what school looks like right now, I am regularly heartbroken: from the student crying at home to the high school realising what exactly F2F learning is right now, from the teachers who spent hours, days, weeks trying to make their rooms safe only to be told it "isn't appropriate for effective teaching" to the teacher handed things at the last minute with no time to prep. It is all heartbreaking. 
  5. Gratefulness and Relief - While all these things to do were pouring into my inbox, while I literally could to do few to none, my colleagues on my Latin I team (which, full disclosure include my father and my next door neighbour teacher) messaged me and told me they'd handle as much as they could. They set up the desks in my room, moved my supplies (I was working to create materials) to my desk, gathered necessary materials from various offices so I'd have them ready to go when I came back. Without them, I would truly be "up the creek" (as it were). Even now that I'm back, I'm still catching up. They are still helping me. As a team we've been planning together and collabing just about every day. Without them, things would be so much harder and stressful. 
  6. Lastly... pain. As in physical pain. I am back at school. I am cleared to be there. But, my throat is still not fully operational/open. My lungs can only take so much air in at a time. My ribs are bruised from coughing and my voice can go from sounding "normal" to incredibly rough and low within minutes. There is a lot of pain right now for me and, considering the pandemic and justified fears of COVID, I am in a unique position where I have to justify every single thing I do. I had to justify not having COVID. I had to justify staying home. I had to justify coming back. I had to pay for not coming back (via sick leave, while still fulfilling my responsibilities as a teacher to my students, while not teaching live, while communicating regularly, while not "working", etc). I have to justify each cough, because people are, rightfully, scared. I have to justify breathing because... it is hard. It hurts. Breathing hurts. I have to justify, believe it or not, asking people to step back, put on a mask, or please don't come near me with symptoms. I don't know that, even being at home, my brain has turned off for a moment. 
As I finish this, it is 5:10 in the morning and I am about to get dressed, take my meds to help keep my throat healing and soothe my cough, grab my things, and head back for another day. I am already tired. It could be that I was up until 8:30 last night answering parent emails I didn't get to earlier in the day (I don't usually do that, but since I was out and sick, I am playing catch up). It could be that I was awake from 2:45-3:30, already creating a to do list in my head. It could be that when I logged on to social media this morning I was overwhelmed with articles about parent struggles, student fears, and teacher hatred. I guess it's all these things... So, in preparation for my next post... Teachers, paras, and classroom staff only please... what specifically do you need to be supported? It can be physical and material, it can be emotional, it can be political, it can be scientific. I DO NOT CARE. What do you need? 
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First Day Back - The Reflection

7/29/2020

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As much as I wish I could say I was 100% prepared for today, I can't. As always, something was bound to not quite go as I planned (that breakfast I'd prepped the day before? Forgot at home....). I couldn't fit everything I needed to bring to my room into my rolling cart (#assistivetechprobs). But, overall I felt ready and prepped to begin the new school year.
Picture
Miriam's Bitmoji, which has long wavy brown hair and glasses, is sitting next to a dog and both are covering their faces with their hands.
While I likely won't post a reflection every day, I want to try and post on days when noted things happen, or when I spend time working on a variety of issues, work-arounds, or creative projects. Today I am posting to discuss (again) the questions from this morning as well as nearly all of the things listed. 

The Questions

  1. Who's wearing masks? Turns out... it's a mix. I wore my mask 99% of the time. The only time I didn't was when I was alone in my room or when I was eating. For others, I am not sure I can say the same. I saw some people wandering without masks, sometimes alone, sometimes with others. What was most disturbing to me, however, was after school.  I stopped for gas on the way home and went inside to grab a drink (that afternoon slump is real y'all). The only people wearing masks were myself, a female customer, and the two attendants. Countless others, all white, had not masks, made feeble attempts at social distancing, etc. I don't know if I can say this loud enough... but, your mask protects the rest of us. When you don't wear one, you are saying " I don't care if you get sick". 
Picture
A purple circular shape on a black background that says: When you don't wear a mask, you are saying you don't care if others get sick.
2. Do I need to take extra precautions? Yes. I believe so. While those who entered my room wore masks, at one point multiple people entered at the same time unexpectedly. Similar to an experience I had a few weeks ago, I would rather be safe than sorry. I am thankful that my department all wore masks and socially distanced during our meeting. I am thankful for my Latin colleagues who are taking this pandemic seriously. I wish others would too. 
3. What are the requirements? Can I be me? There are requirements for our digital learning platform and I came in today knowing what most of those were and having already set them up. However, and I give full credit to my mom for this, I will also find ways to be me and be creative and fun. I certainly do not have time to discuss them all here, but I will link what I can and ensure that I post later on other topics. So far I've: set up my google classroom and included a Bitmoji GIF, used amazing resources created by my colleagues and administrators, starting working in my Bitmoji Classroom, and worked on creating a virtual meet the teacher and a virtual "all about the students". 
The rest of the questions are still unanswered. While some of my physical symptoms of anxiety dissipated, others remained. I still don't know just how many meetings I'll have this and next week or how much time I'll get to put things together. But... I'm going to remain hopeful for the best.
Picture
Miriam's bitmoji with long wavy hair and glasses looking confused with a question mark above her head.
I want to close with the answer I gave to my department head's question: If this year were a fruit or vegetable, what would it be and why.  My answer? The English pea... Very few look at the English pea and think "yum" (yes, I'm one of them), but just about everyone likes the English pea or eats it at some point. You just have to be creative about what you put it in: fried rice, chicken pot pie, mac and cheese. Whatever it is, get creative, find the right context, and work it. ​
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First Day Back - A PRE-flection

7/29/2020

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It's 5:30 AM and I am sitting in my home office with a cup of coffee. I am still in my pajamas, but all that is about to change. Today is the first official day back at school after we went into quarantine in March. Last night I meal prepped, packed my backpack (yes, as a teacher, you still need a good backpack/bag), and spent extra time snuggling all my fur babies. So, how am I feeling? What is in my plans today? Am I scared? Am I prepared?

We'll see how today goes, but here is what I'm hoping I have answers to by the end of the day/this week.

How I've prepped

  1. I have about 10 reusable masks, all from small businesses (or my mom). They are fun, decorative, and protective. 
  2. I have stocked my classroom with sanitising spray, reusable clothes, wipes, etc. 
  3. I have a chair by my door that has single use masks and hand sanitiser. Please do not enter my room without taking these precautions. 
  4. I have made the area behind my desk pretty to look at (see my instagram @mmonstroroum). I want my kids to see happiness and calm. 
  5. I have made sensory and calming precautions for me and my anxiety including a sensory bottle, a tea station, and using calm strips. (and this will be its own post... COVID and anxiety).

What I still wonder

  • How many of my colleagues will be wearing masks? 
  • What extra precautions will I personally have to take to protect myself as someone with asthma?
  • What requirements will there be for digital learning (AKA how creative am I going to be able to be)?
  • How much preplanning time will be in digital learning meetings and how much time will I have to prepare for my students?
  • How much preplanning time will be in digital learning meetings and how much time will I have to ensure that my disabled students have what they need to be successful?
  • When will the physical signs of anxiety go away? I always get them on the first day (itchy palms, tingling, nausea, sweating)... but are they first day jitters, or COVID related?
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    Author's Note

    This blog is dedicated to my reflections on teaching during COVID. These posts are my own thoughts and reflections and DO NO represent anyone else's opinions or policies.

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