Things I'd never thought I'd have to deal with

Miriam's bitmoji in a pale blue shirt with a somewhat shocked look and text that reads: read first

I have to admit this is going to be a tough post to write. I will put these disclaimers out: all names have been changed, relationships have been changed, and no locations are given to protect anyone who has shared with me. But, these are all real things. 

There are posts all over that say that this time is hard for teachers. Sometimes the response is that we are being insensitive to first responders who have been on the front lines since March. Sometimes the response is that we are first responders. And, sometimes, the response is that we are complaining for no reason because, well, "COVID isn't real". Today's post is to assure you that it is, indeed, real. This is not an easy post to write and it won't be an easy post to read. But these things need to be said because we are exhausted in a way we never have been. We are struggling in a way that only teachers can struggle. 

I've decided to keep this list to 5. There are more than 5. There will be a follow up post.

1. For those of us diagnosed with anxiety, it is worse and crippling. Anyone with an anxiety condition (everyone feels anxious; this is not what I'm talking about) knows that when situations call for anxiety for everyone things get worse. In addition to the anxiety everyone is feeling right now in our field, we are dealing with compounded features of it. I am not the only teacher who has to deal with this, but I can only speak to how it exposes itself in my situation. Normally when my anxiety creeps up, any number of physical symptoms may show. The worse the anxiety, the more symptoms come up. Before a presentation, for example, I get physically ill sometimes, I get itchy, sweaty, and shaky. But this is a whole new world for us. There are some days when I am physically ill, my whole body itches, I shake, my stutter comes back, my brain doesn't stop. Sometimes I cry. By the time I get home, I am physically exhausted just from the nature of working as a teacher, but because my anxiety is fully blown right now, I am thoroughly exhausted. There is no "me time" on days like this. There is "survive" and "collapse" time. 
2. Our brains don't stop. Generally speaking teachers make around 1500 decisions during a 6 hour work day. I've also seen the statistic that teachers make around 400 decisions an hour. These don't match up, but the second statistic didn't specify during what period of time. Our job is unique in that in addition to having to be academic experts in our field we also work with a variety of contexts that other jobs don't: working with adults, working with children, working with other experts, research, cleaning spaces, etc. And, for those of us with more than one prep, we have to change our brain every hour. In our district, teacher are supposed to get one planning period (around 50 minutes) and a lunch (around 20  minutes). That time can also be filled with meetings, supervisory duty, tutoring, etc. During COVID, I know that myself and other teachers are literally working from the moment we get to school (some of us before that) to the moment we get home (some of us after that). One of these days I'll post a day in the life, but for now here's the gist: I get up at 4:00, do some household and animal care things, do some school work prep (about 20 minutes this morning), get ready, head to work, work all day, come home, care for animals, collapse if needed, and then work more if needed (can be between 0-1 or 2 hours). During COVID I usually have meetings during my planning either with my colleagues or to ensure I get all the professional development mandated by the county done. During my lunch, I scarf down my lunch while doing things like grading, planning, or answering emails. Our brains literally don't and cannot stop at work. This is generally true, but now it is true in a whole new way. I ate lunch, without working, for the first time this year last Friday (that was the end of week 5 for me, and week 3 for the kids). Starting Wednesday, kids are allowed to eat in our rooms. I'm not quite sure when I will eat. 
3. The element of unknown things. Arguably this is always true. I don't know where someone has been or if they are sick. But, during this time, there are supposed to be extra precautions. Again, I am not speaking about any specific school or district, but teachers have been told things are happening, but with often little follow up. We are put into the hands of administrators, boards, and parents, and we are told things are happening. But, as is the norm, kids come to school sick, students want to socialise, clubs and sports are continuing on. Some things I know from reputable sources: even though students are not being allowed to hang around on campus after school in some places, they are, without masks, without social distancing. Even though sports are supposed to be practised safely, sometimes they aren't, with no masks. Some teachers are allowing students to take masks off in some places. Some teachers aren't wearing masks or wearing them correctly. Cleaning is often done after teachers leave campus. Some teachers are getting PPE supplies, some aren't. This element, whether the fear is justified or not, by its very nature, is scary. 
4. This is literal uncharted territory. This is a post of its own... but to give you an idea, we are dealing with questions like:
   1. How do we keep the students socially distanced, masked, and safe when some of the parents and some of our own colleagues do not believe this is real or who are not practising safety?
   2. When there is an emergency (or a drill), how do we keep everyone safe.... and.... safe? 
   3. How do I teach online and in person at the same time fully engaging all students providing proper supports to each student and appropriate materials be it digitally or in paper. And, how do I do all that while solving technical issues for students, keeping in person students safe, and meeting expected standards and curriculum goals?
5. How do I take care of my kids and myself? This may be one of the hardest ones emotionally at least. There are days where I'm working from the moment I walk in around 6:15 to the moment I go to bed around 8 or 8:30. I try to set boundaries, but sometimes a student messages you in a panic. You answer. I don't know a teacher who wouldn't. When I wake up at 4 or 4:15 I always check work email while drinking my coffee.... why? Because (1) I get overwhelmed if I walk into school and find 10 emails that need answers NOW when I also have to do 10 things before students arrive, and (2) emails often sent at night are the ones that need an answer quickly. If I can answer one before a student gets to my class and save time because they have what the need, it's worth it to me. But, boundaries have to be set. How do we set them in a way that takes care of everything that needs to be taken care of, including ourselves? Before COVID, I think we could easily justify work hours. It's harder now. 
   

We are navigating uncharted waters and as soon as we think we've figured out one wave, we see the one behind it. There are always aspects of teaching like this, but right now, everything​ is like this.