Last Night Took an L...

It's been a bit since I posted, and for a few good reasons. I do not necessarily want this blog to be all upsets. They are there and I want to talk about them, but I never want a single post to be so depressing and anxiety ridden that it serves little purpose other than to make me feel better, I have other means of doing that. Some, however, may just have to be that way.... To say it's been rough is an understatement. To say that that's an oversimplification cannot be overstated (did any of that make sense). So... let me break it down a little.... 

The Pertinent Facts

• I have been teaching students for over two weeks now. As of very recently, I am now teaching in person and digitally.
• I have been out the last four days due to illness. I have gone through the process of COVID testing (negative BTW) and been diagnosed with a bronchospasm, that I am still recovering from. 
• I have already cried twice today. 
• This has been a very creative time for me. I am loving some of the work I'm doing. 
• This has required me to think outside the box and research new things. 
• I have felt a range of emotions for lots of different people, mostly groups. I won't go into too many details but right now, today, I am working through severe anxiety, some anger, some fear, stress, some delayed excitement, worry, and fatigue. 
• I have new baby plants on the way. (ya, not related, but still so cool).

So... what exactly happened?

Firstly, I am okay. I have a bronchospasm likely caused by my asthma, caused by.... well potentially lots of things. At first I was afraid it was COVID, but a negative test solved that. To be honest, I was impressed with my doctor/insurance's handling of it. I got a recommendation for a test in less than 20 minutes after calling them. Got the test the next day, and got my results that night. However, since I had symptoms, I wasn't cleared for school. I couldn't get a doctor's appointment for a few days, but it was via telephone and I was so impressed with this doctor's handling of me.... She diagnosed me, gave me care procedures and wrote a note saying when I could return to work. I returned this morning. I felt ready in that I miss teaching. I didn't feel ready based on my to do list of things that had racked up while I was gone and I didn't feel ready knowing that, if I wasn't at higher risk before, I am now.

I won't comment on the school's handling of it, that's not why I'm writing this blog. What I will share is my perspective of my experience at home. 

The Experience

I don't want this to drag on, but I will say that this post (along with some things I've seen on social media) are prompting another post I plan to write this week: How to Support Your Teachers During a Pandemic. So... here are the things I experienced, as briefly as possible. 

1. Extreme anxiety - As emails rolled in and the "must do before students return in person" list grew exponentially over those days at home, my anxiety hit a lot of highs. I would have to sign off my computer during the day and take a mandatory break just because I was being asked to do things I physically could not do. 
2. Worry - I am... how do I put this... what some might call a teacher's pet, a goodie-two-shoes, a... whatever. I have an immense fear of getting in trouble or being a burden on anyone. I spent my time worried at home about whether I was leaving my team mates without an oar, leaving my students behind, and if I'd get in trouble for not having this massive to do list done when I returned to work immediately. 
3. Fatigue - I am still experiencing this. I was already exhausted from the various things I was doing: teaching virtually, setting things up for in person return, creating things that met my students' needs virtually, emailing and contacting parents and students daily outside of class, etc. Now I was trying to do all that working from home (without "working" from home) while being sick in a way that was (and is) very scary. 
4. Heartbreak - As the stories and photos come out of what school looks like right now, I am regularly heartbroken: from the student crying at home to the high school realising what exactly F2F learning is right now, from the teachers who spent hours, days, weeks trying to make their rooms safe only to be told it "isn't appropriate for effective teaching" to the teacher handed things at the last minute with no time to prep. It is all heartbreaking. 
5. Gratefulness and Relief - While all these things to do were pouring into my inbox, while I literally could to do few to none, my colleagues on my Latin I team (which, full disclosure include my father and my next door neighbour teacher) messaged me and told me they'd handle as much as they could. They set up the desks in my room, moved my supplies (I was working to create materials) to my desk, gathered necessary materials from various offices so I'd have them ready to go when I came back. Without them, I would truly be "up the creek" (as it were). Even now that I'm back, I'm still catching up. They are still helping me. As a team we've been planning together and collabing just about every day. Without them, things would be so much harder and stressful. 
6. Lastly... pain. As in physical pain. I am back at school. I am cleared to be there. But, my throat is still not fully operational/open. My lungs can only take so much air in at a time. My ribs are bruised from coughing and my voice can go from sounding "normal" to incredibly rough and low within minutes. There is a lot of pain right now for me and, considering the pandemic and justified fears of COVID, I am in a unique position where I have to justify every single thing I do. I had to justify not having COVID. I had to justify staying home. I had to justify coming back. I had to pay for not coming back (via sick leave, while still fulfilling my responsibilities as a teacher to my students, while not teaching live, while communicating regularly, while not "working", etc). I have to justify each cough, because people are, rightfully, scared. I have to justify breathing because... it is hard. It hurts. Breathing hurts. I have to justify, believe it or not, asking people to step back, put on a mask, or please don't come near me with symptoms. I don't know that, even being at home, my brain has turned off for a moment. 

As I finish this, it is 5:10 in the morning and I am about to get dressed, take my meds to help keep my throat healing and soothe my cough, grab my things, and head back for another day. I am already tired. It could be that I was up until 8:30 last night answering parent emails I didn't get to earlier in the day (I don't usually do that, but since I was out and sick, I am playing catch up). It could be that I was awake from 2:45-3:30, already creating a to do list in my head. It could be that when I logged on to social media this morning I was overwhelmed with articles about parent struggles, student fears, and teacher hatred. I guess it's all these things... So, in preparation for my next post... Teachers, paras, and classroom staff only please... what specifically do you need to be supported? It can be physical and material, it can be emotional, it can be political, it can be scientific. I DO NOT CARE. What do you need?